So this happened last night. Josh told me a few months ago that he wanted a Cherpumple for his 30th birthday party. This is it. 

The bottom layer is an apple pie inside a yellow cake.

The middle layer is a cherry pie inside a chocolate cake.

The top layer is a pumpkin pie inside a spice cake.

No mixes. Everything from scratch except I did buy canned cherries and canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie or cherry pie filling, just the fruit). 

This is the very definition of a labor of love. But he is sweet enough to deserve it.

This is the spice cake recipe I used. I like it, but more important is the frosting recipe on here. It is so damn good. And I get tons of compliments on it when I use it. If you’re looking for a good light, fluffy frosting that doesn’t do that thing where your teeth hurt because it’s so full of sugar. I’m not a big fan of regular, overly sweet frostings that they pile on to cake.

This is the chocolate cake recipe I used, though I subbed grapeseed oil for corn oil. I specifically went looking for a recipe with oil and sour cream this time because I wanted to have a really moist cake.

The yellow cake, pumpkin pie, cherry pie, and apple pie were all Mark Bittman’s recipes from How to Cook Everything, which is our super food stained go-to bible for cooking, well, everything. Hello, it has blurbs from Isaac Mizrahi AND Mario Batali on the back. 

It turned out awesome. I kind of figured everything would fall apart at the end, but it worked out. It weighs like 20 lbs, and I’m sure I’ll put on at least that much from eating the leftovers. Which we will have for years. 

Taken with instagram

hungryfeminist:

Because nerds should always date other nerds. <3 

Some of my students met my “friend” Josh the other night at a school/family event, and I don’t think they bought it. So many 11 yr old girl squeals of “OHMYGAWD YOU BOTH HAVE NERD GLASSES THAT’S OH MY GAWD SO CUTE!!!” Yes, dear. We both have terrible eyesight. It’s like our fate is written in the stars. Except neither of us can see it that far away.

Well, aw shucks. What a difference a year makes.

Last year, on this day (which was the day after Thanksgiving), I picked Josh up from the airport to begin a ridiculous whirlwind romance. I was nervous. He says he wasn’t. Besides a couple of weeks apart here and there for work and working out his moving plans, we’ve been together ever since.

And I love him more every single day. It almost astonishes me the amount that my heart can hold for him. It’s scary, but wonderful. Especially in the shadow of Thanksgiving, I can’t help but be thankful for someone who knows me as well as anyone can and still loves me, flaws and all.

Saturday Date Night

Yeah. He’s worth it.

Trying very hard to be the mature one, since apparently I have to be since I’ve been told there’s no chance of the crazy being less crazy. Working on the whole “picking my battles” thing because I’m feeling like I fell in a rabbit hole where everything obvious somehow doesn’t matter, and I don’t know how to deal with irrational very well. He told her to cool it. It brings on more idiocy. And somehow he gets mad at me for letting it affect me instead of just knowing she’s stupid and letting it go. He said that’s what he does. He said he can’t control what she does, but he can tell me to not get mad since she’s obviously nuts and there’s no stopping that. I think that’s a cop-out. 

And if we fight over it, she wins, right? Although, the make-up sex is usually pretty hot, so I guess I can thank her for that part. Small victories. But.

I just keep repeating to myself that she’s not worth it. And he is.

Here’s how it all started out. This “friend” of my boyfriend’s sent him a recommendation of someone he should friend on Facebook. I was like “who’s that?” thinking he knew her (and she had a terribly interesting name I wanted to ask him about). So he gets into this telnet chatroom thing (yeah seriously) which is where he engages with that friend and says “Who’s [redacted]?” No bigs, right? But this girl hates me so I sense ulterior motives. Sure enough, when she comes backs, she tells him she thought he’d like her because she’s so cute and smart and interested in some of the same things he is. My problem with the whole thing begins here. I turn into Terrible Girl and ask him what’s the deal with that? I overreacted. But I overreacted with good cause. This “friend” has never had a good word to say about me. When I have been mentioned, she says ugly things about me. She insults me. And from my perspective, she’s also insulting my boyfriend, especially with accusations that I’m “desperate.” I mean, doesn’t that imply I take whatever I can get and not that I have genuine reasons for liking him? If I were him, I’d be insulted. Hell, I am insulted on his behalf. So he tells me to log into this chatroom thing and give her a piece of my mind. The only thing I say “Hey, what’s the deal with [redacted]?” We leave for awhile (Hi, yesterday was National Donut Day. We had important fucking business to attend to. When I come back she has unloaded about me being jealous and insecure and crazy. She has sent Josh a link about how I’m emotionally abusive and trying to keep him from his friends. And the thing is, you can make a case for that if you just see her point like “it was just an innocent thing! You’re crazy for thinking more!” But the problem is her track record. If she had always been nice, or at least quiet, about me, I would be able to cut some slack. But because she hasn’t, and because whenever he says anything about me, she brings up how amazing his ex-girlfriend is, I can’t give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m not one of those you-have-to-EARN-my-trust-before-you-I-give-it-to-you types, but you sure as shit can’t talk about me behind my back and then expect I’m not on guard. And so he asks her why she doesn’t like me, and in fact, why she likes me so much less than his ex-girlfriend likes me, because apparently she has said really nice things about me. And the “friend” (yes, the quotation marks will be a common thing here because I just don’t understand how someone so toxic can be considered a friend) says I’m jealous, insecure, emotionally abusive, I have the personality of cardboard, I’m crazy, and that he never logs in anymore because of me. I say “well, I’m gone most of the day. He’s at home alone. Maybe if he never logs in, it’s your shit attitude keeping him away.” Doesn’t go over well, really. As imagined. I continue with the fact that if she is really his friend, she should want him to be happy and she should respect his taste and opinions, and clearly he see something in me if he moved across the country to be with me. It kind of just pauses there for her to tell Josh his ex-girlfriend got a new promotion and she’s sad about it because now the ex can’t come visit soon. Josh is just kind of like “ok. Sorry.” 

The thing is, I’m sure I am being a little paranoid, but it’s absolutely a defense mechanism. People get paranoid when someone is so foul to them. And I am part of the reason he doesn’t log in anymore, because he doesn’t like to hear her talk about me the way she does anyway. But I have never told him not to. In fact, I’ve gone so far as to explain my dilemma to him in the fact that I would never say that, and even though now it’s moved into straight-up acrimonious territory where I feel like I would actually have the right to throw down something about how he needs to man up and defend me, I feel like I can’t say that, and to say that he should stop talking to her would validate everything she incorrectly thinks about me, even if it would make our lives easier. We float around on clouds for weeks thinking everything is perfect, and then something like this happens. It’s not creating a wedge between us, which is what I’m sure she’s hoping for, but it is creating stress for no good reason. He and I are stronger than that; we’re not going to break up because of something someone 1000 miles away is thinking and saying, but we are going to deal with the aftermath of my hurt feelings and defensiveness about her.

The argument comes in when I say I think it’s time for him to stand up for me, past just saying “I love Lindsay. Stop pissing her off!!!” because, really, that looks like I’m mad, and he’s not. And the thing is, she’s a bully. She’s getting away with it because no one stands up to her. I can say everything I want to, but I’m on her [internet] turf (I KNOW. KILL ME NOW. THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.) and so she will always be able to point and laugh at me and act like I’m irrational. He thinks I’m being silly because he doesn’t agree with anything she says. Like not just about me, but about life in general. He says “Why would you listen to anything someone says if they like Ayn Rand and are a conservative republican and are proudly anti-feminist?” He tells me she’s a mean person anyway, that part of the reason he never goes into this chatroom thing and talks is because she’s chased so many people away with her meanness that it’s boring, and that whenever she says something about me, he just finds it to ridiculous and her opinion too inconsequential to bother saying anything. He says she is naturally a contrarian and that whatever he says, she will pick the opposite tack and fight him on it, and that he doesn’t take any of it seriously. He says she’s not even a “friend,” she’s just some chick he talks to sometimes, who, by the way, is getting less and less amusing and the whole act is getting old. I get all this. I’m not worried she’s going to rock his confidence in me or that her particularly persuasive argument for not liking me is that I bought him a cardigan sweater that makes him look like a “pervy pedophile” is going to make him stop and think “she’s right. Lindsay IS trying to make me a pedophile!” But every reason I love my boyfriend, in the fact that he’s low-drama, he doesn’t fight, we never argue, is working against me right now. His lack of desire to tell her what he thinks of her to save himself any trouble is making me feel like an island instead of the strong couple we are. And the silly thing is, it doesn’t avoid trouble. It puts it here in the house, which is way worse than in a stupid chatroom he can long out of. He thinks I should be secure enough in our relationship not to care; I think it’s not a matter of my insecurity, it’s a matter of him sticking up for me. As long as it’s me telling her to knock it off, which he told me to do by the way, instead of him, she can always paint me as the crazy girlfriend who is keeping him away instead of as a rational partner who has discussed it with him and with whom he agrees. She’s trying to Yoko me (which I HATE anyway) and act like I’m the one who broke up their happy home. To me, that the things she sees in my undue scary influence, that he moved here to be with me, that he doesn’t talk to them anymore, are all more effects of the fact he is trying something new in his life. I mean, I guess he could’ve kept living with his mom somewhere he didn’t like and not try anything, but the fact that he was looking for something new and found me seems like part of the desire to do something new and try someone different and not that I’m sequestering him away from people. I might have been a catalyst, but I’m not a major cause. I didn’t steal him away from a life he was really happy with and I’m not holding him hostage now. 

The funny thing about that is one of the ongoing things I hate about our relationship is that I don’t know any of his friends or family. I’ve met some people who he knows here in Texas, and they really like me. They all own land together on this big area in the country where they’re building eco-friendly homes, raising crops; they even have animals there. I think it’s cool. I like that he has ideals. And I like that we are talking about building a home there together. They like that I’m supportive of his life choices because they understand it’s not an easy change to make. I would LOVE to integrate more of his friends into our life, but none of them are here. I want to meet his mom and family, but I have to wait to see what kind of job I’m going to get before I can take vacation and spend money to do that. He understands. I understand. It’s not forever and it’s not something we can help at this moment. Part of the reason this girl bugs me is because no one in his life knows me so there’s no contrasting opinion to her shitty, misinformed ones. It won’t always be the case, but right now, he’s in a new city. His friends here are all my friends. They all like him. Some of them think he’s a little weird, but hey, he is. He talks about robotics and engineering a lot. But they know his weirdness is why I like him and they’re happy for me that I’ve found someone who makes me so happy. They would NEVER say the things she says about me, and they know if they did, I’d tell them to go fuck themselves. No one has to understand why I’m with him, although they do, but they do have to respect my choices and know I’m a grown-ass girl who has reasons for what I do. And he says I shouldn’t worry because he doesn’t even really talk to this girl. In fact, he will distance himself pretty mightily from calling her a friend and will instead say “internet acquaintance” but the problem lies in the fact her opinion is shouted through an outsized bullhorn and there’s no pep rally in my defense on the other side because no one knows me. Look, I don’t have enemies. I certainly have boatloads of personality. In fact, I would think if there’s any reason why people wouldn’t like me, it would have a lot more to do with the fact I have too much personality, am too secure in myself and my opinions, and I have no problem bringing them up when faced with questions. So obviously, she doesn’t know me enough to even have good reasons not to like me. We’ve never had a conversation besides last night, so she has nothing to base her dislikes on except whatever stupid impressions she gotten about me somewhere along the line and the fact he doesn’t talk to her much anymore. Again, his choice, not mine. So we’re not fighting over anything stupid she says. When we argue, he’s mad that someone so inconsequential to him could bother me, and that this might say I don’t have a lot of faith in our relationship. I get mad because I feel like, if she’s inconsequential, tell her to go fuck herself and don’t give her this much power. I think we’re both mad because someone who doesn’t matter that much to either of us BY DEFINITION SHOULDN’T HAVE THIS MUCH POWER IN THINGS. It’s all silly. 

The funniest thing? His ex is starting to look awesome. She actually does take up for me and like me. She’s starting to be my favorite person in this whole thing. Who would’ve ever thought it.

Anyway, help. Any tips for dealing with this ridiculousness?

So here’s the deal, and most of you can probably figure all of this out from my twitter account and all, but I have this really, really great boyfriend. Who doesn’t live here. He’s lucky enough to be doing some work that allows him to be here sometimes, and I’ve been lucky enough to have him here for like the past six or seven weeks instead of the two he planned to be here. He left on Friday, and will hopefully be back in a few weeks.

I’ve always prided myself on being a really independent gal. And funny enough, I always told people it’d be great to have a guy who traveled a lot, so that I could have all the perks of having a great relationship with someone who had a good job and still get time to myself. And I still think that wouldn’t be horrible? But there’s something extra shaky about someone who doesn’t live here and comes to visit when he can. There’s no feeling of permanence. I may be independent, but one thing I don’t suffer well is instability. And I feel awful for him because I feel so needy and annoying and horrible this weekend, bothering him while he’s trying to work because I need some kind of reassurance he needs me, he misses me, he loves me. Not only is that unfair, I’m sure it’s the least attractive thing ever, and it’s probably not endearing me to him anyway. When I’m doing it, I’m sitting outside myself telling myself to stop typing, to let it go, to leave him alone and let him work, because he’s working on a project that could perceivably keep him here. With me.

He met me at a really weird time in my life. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, anxiety-wise. I have no idea where I’ll be living, where I’ll be working, what I’ll be making, who will be living with me in the next few months. I know I have an idea of what I want things to look like, but everything feels out of my control. I know he has to be worried about what he’s gotten himself into, and I really am usually so much more laid back. But on top of all this, I feel like he’s so good that there has to be something sinister under it all, or that he can’t possibly like me as much as I like him. I’ve had the worst dating experiences for a very long time. And the people who did want to be with me did it because I could provide for them and their irresponsible lifestyles. It had nothing to do with me; it was enabling, textbook style. I don’t know how to just be content with someone who’s good to me without looking for signs that he’s looking for an escape route. I feel like someone would only want to be with me for a long time if they were really fucked up, or that if he’s really good, he’ll wise up soon. Where the hell did all this come from?

As I’m writing this, I’m all choked up and my heart hurts. I’ve been a mess all weekend. I finally got to talk to him, and when I try to explain all this, and how if at least one thing would just fall into place he says “things will always be ‘falling into place.’ try and be happy while they are falling.” I know what his point is, but it’s not that reassuring.

I just want him back. For good. And I’m not sure how great I’ll feel until he’s here. For good. Sorta screwy, huh?